I’m totally digging this song right now. I’m fascinated with her vocal style and just like the dance feel. AND I’m totally into the 80’s feel of the music video. Enjoy!
I’m totally digging this song right now. I’m fascinated with her vocal style and just like the dance feel. AND I’m totally into the 80’s feel of the music video. Enjoy!
I picked J up on Saturday. It was good to see him, a little anxiety provoking, but good nonetheless. Over the weekend, I just tried to keep things very neutral. He’s got some severe jet lag and it is apparent that we are on two very different planes of communication. I think this is due in large part to the fact that I have been in individual and group therapy. So, I didn’t really think it would be productive to delve into relationship issues right away.
To the communication/perception issues, we’ve been having this discussion about him possibly working internationally since we first found it was a possibility in January of last year. Even then I told him I thought it was a bad idea for a number of reasons, one of the main being that he wanted to start a family but would be gone for a month and back for two weeks. I told him that wasn’t going to happen and told him why. He wanted me to consider it. Now, he has the opportunity to do a rotation in Nigeria. I know he wants to do it, but I feel that it is a bit unrealistic given the current state of our relationship and the fact that he STILL wants to have kids.
I have worked in higher education for a number of years and prior to coming here, I had to give up an amazing job so that J could take a job with the company that he wanted to work for. I told him that my former boss called me about a job (not the first time he’s called me) and that we had an interesting conversation that ended in my former boss telling me that he would want me to come work has his Chief of Staff with a tenure-track faculty appointment if/when he gets a presidential appointment (which he will in about a year or two). Basically all could ever want professionally. We were talking about this over breakfast on Sunday. The short of it is that J told me that he doesn’t want to change industries and that he doesn’t want to leave his current job for the next 5 years; basically saying that he isn’t supportive of this opportunity. He’s supportive if it means he doesn’t have to sacrifice, but if he does, he’s not supportive, you know? I reminded him of everything I gave up (two orchestra job offers so he could stay in school and didn’t have to transfer and most recently, a job that I loved so that he could take a job he wanted).
I think this just goes to show that we are not thinking on the same plane. He’s got a lot of work to do in terms of understanding my needs. I didn’t go to school for 11 years, get a Ph.D. and work my ass off to become a broodmare for someone who thinks it is completely acceptable to leave me for a year/year .5 (one month off, two weeks back) while pregnant or with an infant. So, we’ve a lot of work to do. lol.
I’m meeting with my therapist today and am looking forward to it. J is supposed to meet with him before we meet as a couple, but J doesn’t really like the idea. I get the impression that he still doesn’t understand that there are some really big issues that need to be addressed. In his mind, he’d rather just sweep the last few months under the rug and more forward without finding the right way to move forward.
I’m really trying to be open to this and to him so that I can make the best decisions moving forward. I want to give him the “handicap” since he’s basically just been working and living it up in Europe. We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted about how he takes to reality.
I have to go pick J up from the airport in about 3 hours. I’m really interested in seeing how I react/feel to this. In all honesty, I feel very a-emotional about all of this right now. I don’t have much anxiety, I’m not excited, I’m just sort of here. Cleaned the house this morning… always a favorite past-time when I don’t want to think about something. Having lots of coffee… basically just relishing the last few moments of alone time before the journey really begins.
The other night I had a really vivid dream. In general, I’ve always had a propensity to dream about doors. The dream Thursday night was particularly interesting. I dreamed that I came home and locked the door behind me as I always do… two locks, a regular lock and a deadbolt. But then someone started trying to get in. The door was bowing towards me and the individual was able to unlock one of the locks, but not the deadbolt. The top of the door started separating from the frame because the bowing was so heavy–heavy is the right word. It wasn’t scary, just ominous. In the past I’ve had lots of dreams about a man breaking in to attack me, but this wasn’t that dream.
I was about 10 feet away from the door in my dream and I knew that one deadbolt wasn’t going to hold much longer. I don’t really know who was on the other side of the door, only that it was a man, but not the man from other dreams that tries to rape and kill me. I had to get to the door to re-lock the lock that he undid and that did provoke a little fear.
When I got to the door, the door was bowing in so heavily…like a cartoon door it was firm but bending. The hinges where about to burst. I dreamed that there were suddenly more locks, one at each corner of the door in addition to the regular two. I had to focus to reach the locks. First the ones at the top, then the ones at the bottom. The ones at the hinges where the easiest of the four to lock. Then the top right… it was like moving my hand through something viscous, the closer I got to the lock, the more resistance. Then the bottom right… I don’t remember being able to lock that one.
The overall feeling during this dream was a heavy weight. An oppression, but nothing that was scarey, it was almost a sadness.
I looked up “doors” and “locks” in dreams and it came up with the following:
To dream that the door is closed or locked signifies opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on. Something or someone is blocking your progress. It also symbolizes the ending of a phase or project. In particular, if you are outside the locked door, then it suggests that you have anti-social tendencies. If you are inside the locked door, then it represents harsh lessons that need to be learned.
To dream that you are locking the door suggests that you are closing yourself off from others. You are hesitant in letting others in and revealing your feelings. It is indicative of some fear and low self-worth. If someone slams the door in your face, then it indicates that you are feeling shut out or some activity or that you are being ignored.
I have a feeling that this is symbolic of the phase of my life that is now ending (time alone) and the one that is about to begin (the figuring things out now that J is back).
It was an interesting dream, very heavy.
Ten years ago I graduated from my undergraduate work. I work at a university so this time of year always brings back fond memories. I cannot believe so much time has passed. It is so hard to see how much we have changed and all that we’ve endured unless we take the moment to do so. Here are ten things I’ve learned since graduation:
So, J comes back this weekend. I have been really anxious about it for the last few weeks, but I feel that I’ve come a long way and that I have some really great support from my friends and group. I don’t feel like I’m as anxious about it as I’ve been in the past. In a way I’m looking forward to being able to come to some resolution about the situation.
J is an engineer in the oil industry. One of the things that we talked about when we first moved here is that he may have the opportunity to work expat. I remember in early 2011 we were having this conversation. He really wants to have children and so do I. But I told him that we would have to wait until after he did the expat before we had kids because I didn’t want to be pregnant or have children alone. I think I came off pretty firm about this. His reaction was that I was basically not being very reasonable, that the money was really good (which it is), that it isn’t a big deal to be pregnant and by yourself. (Much of this conveyed through patronizing remarks, tone, and boy language). Prior to leaving for his most recent time overseas, before I told him I wanted a divorce, his “plans” included the option of me getting pregnant before he left (i.e. the first trimester alone). I told him that was not going to happen.
Recently he brought up the fact that he has the opportunity to go expat starting in November. Another element of this story is that his best friend, who he works with and has been in Europe with for the last three months, is going to go… although that “isn’t a factor”. He told me on Monday that he thinks he needs to tell them ASAP if he is going to do this so that he doesn’t lose the opportunity. I told him that considering all that has happened in the last few months, I cannot tell him “yes, go do this”, but if he needs to tell them yes and then back out later, that is his call.
First of all, given the state of our relationship, I find it almost comical that he thinks this is a good idea to even bring up. Secondly, he’s still in the mindset that he wants kids ASAP, but doesn’t seem to really see the issue I have with being a single mother. Why be married anyway? I can get a sperm donor if I want one? And why did I move here when I could be living where I want since he’s not going to be here anyway? I guess I feel like I gave up so much to come here and I really didn’t need to. Although, that isn’t to say that I’m not totally happy in this city and with my job, but you get the point.
So, I have a feeling we will have a lot of “Come to Jesus” meetings when he gets back. It should be interesting. I am hopeful, though. I’ve found a great deal of strength within myself and have a better understanding of what my non-negotiables are in a relationship.
On a side note, I found out that one of my greatest mentors and friends had a heart attack yesterday. He’s a marathoner, only 56, vegan and a very good friend. He’s recovering in ICU. But it reminds me that there is so little time and that we must do what we need to do because you never know if tomorrow will come.
Hope you are all having an inspired day!
Shenpa is a Buddhist concept that I’ve been spending a lot of time studying and contemplating recently. I study mostly Pema Chodron’s teachings and this is a big construct for her. Shenpa really causes us great pain and makes us continue to reach for ground. The Tibetan translation is “attachment”, but the construct is much more. It is about the sticky, clinging, distracting reactions that we are so hardwired to have to both external and internal thoughts, feelings, and actions. I felt this was a good analogy of what shenpa is:
Here is an everyday example of shenpa. Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens— that’s the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself.
I struggle with this a great deal… the experience of someone (even myself) saying/doing something mean or hurtful and the following spiraling down of low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness that happen after.
One of the interesting things is shenpa’s relationship to meditation. One of the goals of meditation is to learn to stay with feelings that we normally pull away from and to work to see our true minds and self. Quite often during meditation we will have to face insights into ourselves and these insights are often of things that we might label “bad” or “wrong” even though it is never a good practice to label things as “good” or “bad” in general. They just are. So, ironically, the more insight we have into ourselves, the greater potential for shenpa to take hold and to bring us down. It is a balancing act…awareness and acceptance without judgment. Very difficult.
Happy Cinco de Mayo…A day that once celebrated Mexico’s defeat of French troops and that has subsequently been bastardized into a day of drinking and food! Oh well, I’ll take it. My girlfriend B is on her way over and we’re going to head to the pool to do a little lounging, drinking, and eating. I have to say that I am so very blessed to have some really amazing friends. I don’t know what I’d do without them or where I’d be, honestly! I think it very likely that I would have been committed without B’s care of me.
The last few months have been very difficult for me. I feel like I’ve lost, lost, and lost some more and was threatened with the potential loss of one of the most important people in my life… my mom. While I don’t believe in organized religion or the power of “God” with the capital “G”, I am so very, very thankful that my mom is doing well and I’m thankful for the pain and insight this journey has provided me.
Life, as we all know, is a journey with a lot of twists and turns. Sometimes there are more and sometimes there are less, but they will always be there. Life is not intended to be easy. I believe it is intended to be a journey that transcends our physical bodies. There is a religious saying that says something to the effect of, “God never gives you more than you can handle”. I feel that this sentiment is true. I have been put through the ringer these last few months, but I am stronger for it. And I know that the next few months will be similarly difficult, but I have greater insight into my needs and myself to get me through this… insight that would not have happened without all the pain, fear, and loss. One of my favorite sentiments from Buddhism:
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves to annihilation over and over
do we find that within us that is indestructible.
And now it is time to go celebrate my little life by soaking up the warmth of the sun with a good friend.
Happy Cinco de Mayo!
I definitely need to engage in this more. I was re-reading this article about 10 things to stop caring about today. I can never understand why we are so wired to spend countless hours and emotional and physical energy on this stuff when much of it is out of our control! Here is the list in short:
I admit that I am very, very guilty of engaging in the aforementioned behaviors…particularly #’s 1, 4, 9, and 10 !
I feel a bit like I’m being toyed with by J. My girlfriend B came over last night and we were talking about this. She and her husband have been seeing the same therapist that I’ve been seeing, so she’s familiar with this concept of Imago therapy as well. Basically it boils down to 1) I think he is testing my boundaries and trying to get the “upper hand” in terms of control and 2) I feel as if he is trying to keep “tabs” on me.
J has been in Europe since early February. About three/four weeks ago he asked me to put an app on my phone called “What’s App” so that we could text internationally without being charged for international fees. In general, we never text… not even when he is on the same continent OR when I’ve told him that it would be nice to get text messages from him throughout the day to feel more connected (yes, I’ve asked for this). Since I’ve put it on my phone, however, I feel like he’s using it to keep up with when I’m “online” and as a means to make me feel guilty (i.e. control).
One weekend, I had gone out with some friends. This was the first weekend that he asked me to put the app on my phone. One of the features of the app is that it shows when you were “last online”. He saw that I checked the app at like 2 a.m. and was grilling me about what I was doing out at 2 a.m. with people from our soccer team… yes, people from the soccer team that we both play on. He then asked me if I’ve been messing around with someone, an accusation that has been waged against me since about 2 years into our marriage (that’s for another post and no, I’ve never cheated on him). He proceeded to lecture me on going out while not having my wedding ring on (lest you forget that I told him I wanted a divorce in December and we’ve been separated since then). He then told me “I know it sounds hypocritical since I haven’t been wearing mine either, but…blah, blah, blah, excuse, excuse”.
Flash forward… he usually only sends me messages on What’s App on the weekends and recently he’s been making passive-aggressive comments like “I wish you had more to say”… as if I’m not, apparently, communicating with him enough.
Finally, when I was at my lowest (i.e. the attempt at suicide in January), he apparently went through my phone records and was asking my girlfriend B about phone numbers, who they were, why was I calling these people, etc.
I feel like these are mind games, does that sound correct to you? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? My gut tells me that if I were hearing this from my girlfriend, I’d tell her to run. But for some reason, I have the ability to keep rationalizing things to myself. Isn’t this an element of an abusive relationship? I find it confusing.
I’ve spoken with my therapist about all of this and he’s said “keep conversations neutral right now”. And I’ve done my best to do this. There is no reason to get into fights when we’re thousands of miles apart. And I’ve told J as much. Thank goodness I have therapy today. One of the things that my therapist told me once was that he’s there to help us see if we can resolve things, but that if not he will help me move on. I do find comfort in that.