Intimacy

How important is intimacy in a relationship and what kinds are there?  There are two types of intimacy that I can pinpoint: physical and emotional, both of which are extremely important.  I need both.  I finally had to admit to myself that the only time that my marriage seemed remotely satisfying in the last 2-3 years was during an emotional affair.  For me, the emotional intimacy is so important and fulfilling.  While the sex, when we had it, was fantastic, it hardly occurs unless I just tell him to get in bed b/c we are going to have sex.  What kind of romance is that!?  How do you even expect to have children if you hardly have sex?  Immaculate conception?  I think not.

Once, I was trying to spice the sex life back up.  So, I got one of those couple games.  It included a card game that had questions that you asked one another.  He didn’t want to play any of the other games, b/c, well I honestly don’t know why, so we did the card game.  Right off the bat… I thought I’d pick an easy one, right?  So, the question said something to the effect of “finish the following sentence… I feel appreciated by my partner when…”  And silence ensued.  He had no answer.  I was kind of pissed and very disappointed.  He didn’t feel appreciated, apparently, at all.  Not when I gave him foot rubs after work or after a long run, when I had dinner prepared for him when he came home from work, when I did his laundry and cleaned the house so he didn’t have to, when I cleaned his car for no reason, when I bought him gifts for no reason, when I told him how proud of him I was for all that he was doing, when I gave him neck massages for days on end because he suffers from some devastating cluster headaches, when I made him brownies b/c I know they are his favorite, when I made him a fish dinner b/c he loves it even though I won’t eat it (I only eat what I catch), when I bought him the guitar of his dreams and encouraged him to play and to get lessons, when I lit candles and turned on music to be romantic and intimate, or when I tried to make our relationship better.  I did not appreciate him, apparently.  This was news to me.  Years of trying to make him happy and I failed.  Years trying to make him proud of me and I failed.  Years trying to be a good wife and I failed.  I was a failure.

I realize now that I am not a failure.  I am a compassionate and deeply loving person who gave everything I could to one man.  I gave him the opportunity to follow his dreams and to get an education by putting him through school and financially supporting both of us while he did it.  I’ve only supported him, ever, encouraged him and never asked for much in return except for reciprocity, love and intimacy.

~AA

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5 comments on “Intimacy

  1. I think both parts have to contribute for a relationship to work. From what I read, you did your part, he didn’t.

  2. Once upon a time, I was married to an angry man. I use to try real hard to do all the right things so he wouldn’t get angry. Then one day I woke up, and realized it didn’t matter what I did, he would still find a reason to get angry. It was his choice, not my doing, that created his anger. That was the beginning of the end and the beginning of a new start. And now…. life is good. Enjoy always, T

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