It appears that my greatest struggle right now is proper self care. I’ve been good about letting myself cry, taking soothing showers and writing to help me process, but I have such a difficult time dealing with eating and making sure that I take time to do it. It is such a low priority for me right now. I finally broke down and made myself get some Lean Cuisine’s from Target. It isn’t ideal, but at least it isn’t McDonald’s (which is all I do care to eat right now).
This afternoon I had a little breakdown. I was listening to music and one of them just really got to me. I did something that I haven’t done in years, I went to a church. I just felt that I needed some support and I don’t want to burden others with my issues. It was actually nice. I’m no longer a very religious person, but I grew up Catholic. I found the closest Catholic church (via Garmin) and went. It was kind of nice. I walked in, it was dark with the exception of the alter. No one was there. I went to the front, knelt in a pew, looked at the cross and just broke down. It wasn’t pretty, let me tell you. Lots of sniffling, crying, sobbing and praying. I haven’t prayed like that in years. Repeating the Lord’s prayer and Hail Mary over and over while I just cried. Not feeling like I even deserved any possible redemption.
The pain can be very unbearable. Mostly, though, I think the pain comes from the process of letting him go and the guilt that I feel. Lots and lots of pain. I keep looking for messages from friends, but I know it is Christmas and everyone has their own thing to deal with. I did get some this morning, but the day has been very lonely. This is my pain, my issue and I will get through this. I am stronger than I know. It will get better. I know. And I have faith that it will.