I’ve been so blessed to have such support. B has been a trooper. She’s been there for me whenever I need her and has just been a great friend. I’ve told my family and they are very supportive of my decision. I was afraid that I would somehow be disappointing them by doing this, but that was an irrational thought. They just want me to be happy. I also have some other emotional support that has been invaluable in this process.
It has been interesting, the comments I’ve gotten from my family and friends. My dad even told me that J has problems with putting up walls and pushing people away. He was very supportive of my decision. I think that was a little bit of a surprise in the sense that I know how much he likes J, but my happiness is more important to him. I know this, conceptually, but I’ve always tried to be the perfect daughter and always want to make my parents proud.
There are so many factors that go into this decision and for me those included my parents expectations of me and my spiritual commitments/responsibilities.
I talked to J yesterday. It was difficult. It always will be, I think, at least in the beginning. He kept telling me that he felt betrayed, that he thinks I worked myself up into this decision and now I have to follow through for some artificial reason, he asked if it would help for him to talk to my mom (he knows how much I adore her). His actions at this point are getting very desperate. It feels horrible that he has to have this experience, but pain is sometimes the best teacher.
I told him that this is what I want and I told him that I simply couldn’t be around him because he has too much power over me and my decisions. I told him that when he gets back, I’ll either be at B’s place or visiting a friend out of town. I told him that I have to protect myself and the decision that I have made. I also told him that he needs to work some things out for himself, things that I cannot do for him. He’s asked me to stay with him while he works through whatever I want him to work through, I told him that he needs to want to do it for himself, not because he wants to keep his wife.
Yesterday’s conversation was painful, but it was honest and given with an open heart. I do love him, that isn’t the question. But I have to love myself more right now and the future that I need, which includes children. I cannot bring children into this type of relationship. There are no compromises for me at this point.
I feel strong, but have no delusions that things will not be painful and sad along the way. This is a healing process and I will allow myself to feel everything that I need to feel. But mostly I feel hopeful and positive about my future. That’s all I can really ask for at this point.