Today is a much better day than yesterday. Yesterday was Christmas, as you know, but it was my first Christmas alone. It was nice and lonely at the same time. One of my friends Skyped with me for a bit, which was so nice. I needed to see a friendly face and to be part of some Christmas celebration even if it was virtual. B had me over for dinner. It was so nice. They sent me home with so much food that I don’t even know where to begin!
Yesterday I talked to J for a bit. I’m pleased that things seem amicable at this point. He keeps wanting me to reconsider, but I’ve told him that I just cannot. There are many things he needs to work on and I am simply spent. I’m a bit on alert b/c he has called my family and my best friend (B), but I understand why he did. I just don’t want him making an effort to turn them into his tools to get me back.
When I spoke to my mom yesterday, it wasn’t very good. I know this is a confusing time for them. She said things like, “you know… it is difficult enough to find someone.” Later that day, J said the same thing. I want him to continue having support from my family and B as needed, but I don’t want it to be b/c he is trying to manipulate the situation via my friends and family. The most poignant thing for me yesterday was the realization that even if my family disowned me for this decision (which I know they won’t), I would still make the decision. This is my life. Mine alone and I have to do what is in my best interest.
As B. Clewly Johnson so aptly stated,
Follow your instincts, your intuition. Don’t stay with people who, over time, grow apart from you. Move on. This means do what you think will make you feel okay – even if that makes others feel temporarily not okay.