Thinking

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.   I’ve had a nervous break, so that was fun, and am currently in a major depressive episode.  I’m on some fun meds that make me feel like I’m floating.  Last weekend was okay, but I did have a difficult time.  It was my birthday.  I ended up having another break.  GOD, what is wrong with me!

I was finally able to articulate some things.  I told J that I was scared, which I am.  That I don’t want to be committed to a mental institution.  I’m so scared that this will never end.  I’ve decided to go to a support group for depression tomorrow night.  I’ve become rather reclusive and isolated.  I don’t want to talk or to see anyone anymore.  Some days I can pretend for a matter of hours, but I’m simply a mess when I get home.

I miss having love.  I miss having someone to tell me wonderful things.  I miss having someone to make love to me.  I miss someone to love.  I miss giving love.  I miss so much right now and I don’t know if it will ever come back.  I miss touch.  I miss laughter.  I’m alone.  J wants to be there for me, and I’m so grateful for the times he has been there for me lately.  He’s been there for the worst parts and has been a champ when it comes to giving me space.

I’ve started seeing a different therapist.  This one is someone I cannot dupe.  He is also working with J while J is in the country.  I think he’s pretty good and I’ll do whatever it takes to get better.  I feel so sick right now.  It is hard.  He told me that he will work with me for the next few months while we work together to get me out of this depressive episode.  Then, at that point, we can focus on determaning what the next steps in my future are.

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