It’s been a while since I’ve written. I got a little overwhelmed with all the things that I was dealing with in my life. I’m happy to say that I’ve made some great progress and have been on a steady up-swing in my emotional health. I’ve been seeing a wonderful therapist…not a counselor, a therapist. He’s really made a difference for me. I’m seeing him once a week and I’m going to group therapy. Yes! Group therapy. I’ve been coming to terms with this. Not only am I in personal therapy, but also group therapy. It has been really helpful, though. I’m focusing on the positive, but it is almost comical to me that I am doing both. Never thought I’d be here. Oh, well. Such is life.
J has been out of the country since the beginning of February. This has been good for me. I’ve been getting my emotional bearings through all this. I’m hopeful for the future and just need to keep focusing on getting myself healthy.
I love my husband and in many ways I’m hopeful that we will be able to work things out. One of the things that I had to come to terms with is the fact that it took me leaving for my husband to finally hear what I had to say. I’ve finally got a “voice” in this relationship. It is young and fragile, but I have one and am trying to be so protective of it. J and I have spoken via Skype on the weekends. Usually only once on Sunday. This space has really helped me clear my head and has helped me begin to understand what I need in a relationship and why ours got to this point.
I believe that I am as much to blame for the breakdown in our relationship as he is. I think this is fair. I gave in, was submissive and lost my voice. This is just what happened.
I still care so much for C. He makes me feel so complete. We’ve discussed the issues surrounding our relationship and our respective relationships. There is some connection that we have that is not only hard to describe, but also hard to deny. I’ve never felt more accepted for who I am, quirks and all. He really loves everything about me and is not put off by the fact that I have these demons that I’m battling with. It is a novel love and acceptance that I fear losing. I love him.
How can you be in love with two people? I have no idea. I love him and I love my husband…. both for very different reasons. Life is so complex. But this complexity is a challenging gift that I would not trade for anything, even sanity. I’m blessed to have struggled. And even more blessed to feel the love of someone like C.
How will it end? I don’t know. But at least I’m here to experience it.
Be good to one another.