Don’t you think? I hate hurting the people I care about. I hate having to hid parts of who I am. I hate not being able to have what I want. But that is life, right? I’ve come to determine that I am a sociopath. Yes, a sociopath… although I lack the ability to NOT care about people… so I’m still not 100% a sociopath 😉 But I do have an amazing ability to lie and not get caught. I’m not “proud” of this, I’d say, but I am shocked at the ease in which I am able to do this. I haven’t been able to bring it up to my therapist b/c I don’t trust him! I think that is where it stems from. I really just don’t trust people and have this sneaking suspicion that I’ll have to take care of things myself anyway. Why become overly vulnerable with people who may or may not use that information against you?
But I don’t have that fear with C. And I don’t have that desire to hide from him because I know, without a doubt, that he would never use it against me. We simply have that type of relationship. I don’t have that with my husband. I am fearful about telling him things, but perhaps that has been my problem? I need to just say it and if there are consequences that I don’t like… oh, well! I’m a smart, loving, giving, emotional, extremely flawed human being. But I can deal with the bad and the good. I’ve only gotten stronger through this ordeal and continue to have more and more confidence in myself.
My confidence has manifested itself in really interesting ways. I am definitely more vocal with J about what was wrong with our relationship and the fact that I’m not kidding about it getting fixed or I’m moving on. I’m also not really giving a shit any more about the way I look in terms of “am I too fat, too thin.” For some strange/wonderful reason that voice is gone for the time being. I simply don’t care anymore. I’m happy with who I am overall and all the other stuff is really not worth my time. Like many things. I’m simply too done with being emotionally pulled around. I’m worth more than that.