Happy Easter!

Not really… not really “into” Easter anyway and it really isn’t all that great when you spend it alone.   I went out with some friends last night, which was fun, but today is sort of just a shitty day!  I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and not think of myself as this horrible person that I think I have become.  I feel like I want to crawl into a hole some days and never come out.  Are all people this fucked up when it comes to relationships or are others blissfully walking around satisfied and clearheaded?  I wish someone would simply tell me the truth.

Ugh… and all these Easter pictures on Facebook are about to push me over the edge!  I feel like I’ve missed the boat on some part of life.  I see pictures of friends and family with their children…all these children all over the place!  Kids and mothers, mothers and kids… and more kids… and more kids… I didn’t grow up around family (except my parents and brother), so I just didn’t have this experience.  Or perhaps I’m more jealous that I don’t have this.  I don’t have lots of family that I spend time with.  I don’t have kids that will grow up with their extended family members.  I do want kids, but don’t even think I’d be a good mother and I have no support system here to have them.  Right now I just have my fuzzy babies (my cats) to take care of and they take care of me as well.  I have one curled up right next to me.  He always knows when I need a little extra TLC.

My goals for today…1) take a walk at my favorite park.  I enjoy going for long walks on my own, particularly when I feel like my head is so clouded. 2) meditate. 3) practice forgiveness and acceptance with myself.


2 comments on “Happy Easter!

  1. Tell you the truth? The truth is yes, to both scenarios. Some people are this f*ed up about relationships,and some are walking around in their ignorance. And a small few really are blissful. Where you are is a direct result of where you came from, but that doesn’t mean it will dictate where you go. That direction is still up-in-the-air. For right now, just take it one day at a time; you can’t see what direction to go until after you have taken the time to see yourself and others clearly.

  2. So very true, LK… “you can’t see what direction to go until after you have taken the time to see yourself and others clearly.” I feel like my vision is cloudy right now. The first order of business is to accept the things I cannot change (like the past) and to change the things that I can. I have the serenity prayer on my fridge, so I see it every morning. I just need to keep it more at the forefront of my mind. I have the ability to change things…. thank you for your words of honesty and support. Much, much appreciated!

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