Not really… not really “into” Easter anyway and it really isn’t all that great when you spend it alone. I went out with some friends last night, which was fun, but today is sort of just a shitty day! I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and not think of myself as this horrible person that I think I have become. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole some days and never come out. Are all people this fucked up when it comes to relationships or are others blissfully walking around satisfied and clearheaded? I wish someone would simply tell me the truth.
Ugh… and all these Easter pictures on Facebook are about to push me over the edge! I feel like I’ve missed the boat on some part of life. I see pictures of friends and family with their children…all these children all over the place! Kids and mothers, mothers and kids… and more kids… and more kids… I didn’t grow up around family (except my parents and brother), so I just didn’t have this experience. Or perhaps I’m more jealous that I don’t have this. I don’t have lots of family that I spend time with. I don’t have kids that will grow up with their extended family members. I do want kids, but don’t even think I’d be a good mother and I have no support system here to have them. Right now I just have my fuzzy babies (my cats) to take care of and they take care of me as well. I have one curled up right next to me. He always knows when I need a little extra TLC.
My goals for today…1) take a walk at my favorite park. I enjoy going for long walks on my own, particularly when I feel like my head is so clouded. 2) meditate. 3) practice forgiveness and acceptance with myself.