J will be home in two weeks. He’s been in Europe since early February. I told him I wanted a divorce in December, but so much has happened since then that I sort of came to a place where I felt that perhaps we can get back on track. But I just don’t know. I’m so scared about him coming back and things just going back to the way they were and my life just going on with me in a supporting role, not as my own leading lady. I hate this.
People keep asking me if I miss him and if I’m excited that he’s coming back. This is one of the hardest things to answer…because in all honesty, I’m nervous about him coming back, I’m nervous that I may have shut off so much that there isn’t a way to “get us back on track”, I don’t “miss” him in the sense that I feel like my life is missing something without him. In fact, I feel more like myself now that he has been gone than I have in years. I don’t feel self-conscious. I’m not lonely. I don’t feel inadequate. I feel like me and like I don’t have to be ashamed of my desires, my demons, my needs.
What does that mean? Does it mean anything?
I’m trying to stay open to this entire thing that is about to happen when he gets back. There is a part of me that feels like I really need to make the effort, but I also feel like I’ve made a significant effort in the past that didn’t work. Is it really necessary for me to give it another go? But I guess he really needed to hear that I was willing to leave him because of how unhappy I was. So, perhaps he needed that reality check before any progress could really be made. I just hope that I can be open minded. If I have the divorce papers in front of me, I will want to have that piece of mind that I did do my best, even if I may have already shut down more than I realize.
I guess it all really doesn’t matter in the end… this contemplation. It will come, it will happen and it will have a result that no amount of pondering will provide until it happens.