Reality

J will be home in two weeks.  He’s been in Europe since early February.  I told him I wanted a divorce in December, but so much has happened since then that I sort of came to a place where I felt that perhaps we can get back on track.  But I just don’t know.  I’m so scared about him coming back and things just going back to the way they were and my life just going on with me in a supporting role, not as my own leading lady.  I hate this.

People keep asking me if I miss him and if I’m excited that he’s coming back.  This is one of the hardest things to answer…because in all honesty, I’m nervous about him coming back, I’m nervous that I may have shut off so much that there isn’t a way to “get us back on track”, I don’t “miss” him in the sense that I feel like my life is missing something without him.  In fact, I feel more like myself now that he has been gone than I have in years.  I don’t feel self-conscious.  I’m not lonely.  I don’t feel inadequate.  I feel like me and like I don’t have to be ashamed of my desires, my demons, my needs.

What does that mean?  Does it mean anything?

I’m trying to stay open to this entire thing that is about to happen when he gets back.  There is a part of me that feels like I really need to make the effort, but I also feel like I’ve made a significant effort in the past that didn’t work.  Is it really necessary for me to give it another go?  But I guess he really needed to hear that I was willing to leave him because of how unhappy I was.  So, perhaps he needed that reality check before any progress could really be made.   I just hope that I can be open minded.  If I have the divorce papers in front of me, I will want to have that piece of mind that I did do my best, even if I may have already shut down more than I realize.

I guess it all really doesn’t matter in the end… this contemplation.  It will come, it will happen and it will have a result that no amount of pondering will provide until it happens.

~AA

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4 comments on “Reality

  1. I still feel like this sometimes, like he’ll just show up and take me back to that place I was for so long. And how do you answer those questions? I had that problem for years before we separated, when he would go on a TDY. I didn’t miss him. I realized early on that I didn’t need him to feel like I was complete. I missed the companionship more, I guess. But, at the end, even that wasn’t worth a damn plug nickel. Here would be my suggestion: give it a shot, this time. If it doesn’t work out, then you’ll know that you have done your best. But your best does not include him going back to the way he was. If he does that, you’re done. It takes two people to make it work. You can’t hold on with both hands to someone that doesn’t want to stay. The nervousness won’t fade until he either changes his ways or you leave. I wish I could be more optimistic about this for you. Keep us posted on how it’s going.

  2. FW… I love your honesty. That’s all I really want and need at this point. I agree and feel that I have to do this for myself. Even if he can change, I might already be more gone than I know, but at least I won’t have that feeling of “what if…” I simply need to remain open. I read something interesting the other day about how we don’t find people we resent attractive. I do resent him for taking me for granted, for making me feel that I’m not worthy or good enough, and mostly for dismissing what I was telling him when I was trying to make things better. So, it is naturally hard for me to feel sexually attracted to him right now. And I’ve come to realize that sex is very, very important for me in a relationship…more important to me than it seems to be for him. More importantly, though, it is the emotional intimacy that I crave. It will take me being willing to lower my armor to see if there is even a possibility of reconnecting. I will keep you posted. Again, thank you for the honesty. That’s all that I need. I don’t need any sugar-coated things 🙂

  3. Sugar coating is for kids. And if you don’t want honesty then I’m not your girl! 🙂 Sex is very important and, with that, the emotional intimacy. I think you’re further gone than you’re willing to admit right now, and that’s alright. You’ll admit it when you’re ready. But men can’t put us through a ringer and expect us to be ready to behave like bunny rabbits. Women aren’t wired that way. Especially when the person we are with treated us so badly. My ex and I tried to continue having sex after he asked for the divorce and be emotionally intimate. I hated him for that. I hated him for acting like he cared when we went to bed, but the many hours before that he was texting/im’ing his girlfriend. I hated that he could just switch it on and off. I finally kicked him out of the bed and the bedroom. If he wanted to be gone, he could be gone all the way. I AM NOT a convenient piece of ass for anyone, much less the man that vowed to love and honor and cherish me. It was disgraceful to me and to him and, more, it was dishonest. It was like playing house. And, on top of that, I got more pleasure from my vibrator! Be who you are, make him accept you for who you are, not who he wants you to be. If he can’t keep it up for you, or keep up with you, then you need to be out the door. Because if he can’t be sexually intimate, then he can’t be emotionally intimate either. (I also apologize for the Bitter Bitch slipping out there for a minute. She pops up when I least expect it!)

  4. I suspect you may be correct and that I might be further gone than I’m willing to admit. I’m very persistent in that regard and have this feeling of “duty” that I wish I could shake. But I do feel that it will become more clear when he is back. And I love the Bitter Bitch. I have one too! She gets the better of me on occasion, but that’s what she’s there for. She always has my back. 😛

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