Toying

I feel a bit like I’m being toyed with by J.  My girlfriend B came over last night and we were talking about this.  She and her husband have been seeing the same therapist that I’ve been seeing, so she’s familiar with this concept of Imago therapy as well.  Basically it boils down to 1) I think he is testing my boundaries and trying to get the “upper hand” in terms of control and 2) I feel as if he is trying to keep “tabs” on me.

J has been in Europe since early February.  About three/four weeks ago he asked me to put an app on my phone called “What’s App” so that we could text internationally without being charged for international fees.  In general, we never text… not even when he is on the same continent OR when I’ve told him that it would be nice to get text messages from him throughout the day to feel more connected (yes, I’ve asked for this).  Since I’ve put it on my phone, however, I feel like he’s using it to keep up with when I’m “online” and as a means to make me feel guilty (i.e. control).

One weekend, I had gone out with some friends.  This was the first weekend that he asked me to put the app on my phone.  One of the features of the app is that it shows when you were “last online”.  He saw that I checked the app at like 2 a.m. and was grilling me about what I was doing out at 2 a.m. with people from our soccer team… yes, people from the soccer team that we both play on.  He then asked me if I’ve been messing around with someone, an accusation that has been waged against me since about 2 years into our marriage (that’s for another post and no, I’ve never cheated on him).  He proceeded to lecture me on going out while not having my wedding ring on (lest you forget that I told him I wanted a divorce in December and we’ve been separated since then).  He then told me “I know it sounds hypocritical since I haven’t been wearing mine either, but…blah, blah, blah, excuse, excuse”.

Flash forward… he usually only sends me messages on What’s App on the weekends and recently he’s been making passive-aggressive comments like “I wish you had more to say”… as if I’m not, apparently, communicating with him enough.

Finally, when I was at my lowest (i.e. the attempt at suicide in January), he apparently went through my phone records and was asking my girlfriend B about phone numbers, who they were, why was I calling these people, etc.

I feel like these are mind games, does that sound correct to you?  Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? My gut tells me that if I were hearing this from my girlfriend, I’d tell her to run.  But for some reason, I have the ability to keep rationalizing things to myself.  Isn’t this an element of an abusive relationship?  I find it confusing.

I’ve spoken with my therapist about all of this and he’s said “keep conversations neutral right now”.  And I’ve done my best to do this.  There is no reason to get into fights when we’re thousands of miles apart.  And I’ve told J as much.  Thank goodness I have therapy today.  One of the things that my therapist told me once was that he’s there to help us see if we can resolve things, but that if not he will help me move on.  I do find comfort in that.

~AA

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3 comments on “Toying

  1. Run, girlfriend! These are mind games. The accusations (groundless), the checking up on you (controlling), the hypocritcal behavior. You need to run as fast as you can. You can move on from this man. Once you do you’ll bloom into the beautiful person you were destined to be.

    Oh, and (hopefully) a cheery note: I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger’s Award. If you go to this post http://theforgottenwife.com/2012/05/01/this-is-pretty-awesome-my-first-award/ it’ll tell you about what you need to do.

    Congrats – and run as fast as you can from him. You deserve better!

    • Yeah… In all honesty, I do know this. I’m going to see what happens with our therapist and at the end of that, I feel like I’ll have a better understanding of what I need to do. If he cannot change and give me what I need, I will not stay. And thank GOD for my girlfriend B… she’s been a godsend. Even offered to loan me money if I need it for a lawyer. I told her the other day that I was looking at those “do it yourself” divorce lawyers when I first told him I wanted a divorce… and at this point I don’t give a shit how much it costs… I’d pay to have someone else deal with it. She said her cousin (recently divorced) said, “you know why divorce is so expensive!?”… she said, “no, why”… he said, “because it’s soooooooooooooooooooooo worth it!.”

      • Yes it is soooooo worth it! Best freaking money I’ve ever spent in my life! I wish you so much luck and look forward to reading about how things are going….

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