I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I can be a better person. The first thing I need to do is give myself some space in terms of forgiveness. Yesterday cannot be changed, you can only focus on this very moment and how you will be tomorrow. Why don’t we practice that a bit….
I forgive myself for my indiscretions. All of them They do not define who I am as a person or how much I truly care about others. Forgiving myself does not mean that I am pretending that they did not happen, it merely means that I am choosing to move forward and no longer giving them the power to make me suffer. Just like forgiving another, the act of forgiveness does not mean that I have forgotten, it means that I have chosen to no longer suffer because of that experience.
It is a small step, but one that I feel I needed to take. And I might need to do this every day, every morning, until that little voice in my head has quieted.
A tile from an art project at the hospital. May we all have perspective.
Don’t you think? I hate hurting the people I care about. I hate having to hid parts of who I am. I hate not being able to have what I want. But that is life, right? I’ve come to determine that I am a sociopath. Yes, a sociopath… although I lack the ability to NOT care about people… so I’m still not 100% a sociopath 😉 But I do have an amazing ability to lie and not get caught. I’m not “proud” of this, I’d say, but I am shocked at the ease in which I am able to do this. I haven’t been able to bring it up to my therapist b/c I don’t trust him! I think that is where it stems from. I really just don’t trust people and have this sneaking suspicion that I’ll have to take care of things myself anyway. Why become overly vulnerable with people who may or may not use that information against you?
But I don’t have that fear with C. And I don’t have that desire to hide from him because I know, without a doubt, that he would never use it against me. We simply have that type of relationship. I don’t have that with my husband. I am fearful about telling him things, but perhaps that has been my problem? I need to just say it and if there are consequences that I don’t like… oh, well! I’m a smart, loving, giving, emotional, extremely flawed human being. But I can deal with the bad and the good. I’ve only gotten stronger through this ordeal and continue to have more and more confidence in myself.
My confidence has manifested itself in really interesting ways. I am definitely more vocal with J about what was wrong with our relationship and the fact that I’m not kidding about it getting fixed or I’m moving on. I’m also not really giving a shit any more about the way I look in terms of “am I too fat, too thin.” For some strange/wonderful reason that voice is gone for the time being. I simply don’t care anymore. I’m happy with who I am overall and all the other stuff is really not worth my time. Like many things. I’m simply too done with being emotionally pulled around. I’m worth more than that.
I feel so confused lately. Tonight has been a bit rough. I’m sad about what is happening, I think, but I’m also really confused and hurt by my family. I’m really in bad shape. I can pull it together for most of the day at work, but at night… I’ve kind of just used up all my “try”. I’ve started letters to J, to my friends, to my parents…. talking to them about things that I wish I could talk to them about, but then I don’t send them. I keep wondering if I’m making a mistake and perhaps I should just go back to make everyone happy. Perhaps I was careless and didn’t really give him an opportunity…
I’m just all over the place and I would give anything to make my brain stop!!!!!! To feel somewhat normal. To feel not so dead and empty and worthless inside. Perhaps I’m being too dramatic, but this is what is happening like it or not. I’m so f-ing done.