What is it about airports? Why don’t they all have free wireless? Seems a little ridiculous to me. So… it was a good weekend overall. Fun wedding but a little too religious for my taste. I’ve never fake-prayed so much as I have in the last two days. At one point during the endless discussion among my fellow bride’s maids of raising “God-fearing boys”, I finally had to say, “I’m not religious, so I don’t really have much to say on this, which is why I’m not talking.” Way to ostracize you super religious people! Thanks! And lest we forget, the bride was already pregnant…. so… how seriously are we really taking this religious thing to begin with? Let’s be honest.
One of the funniest things was the “wedding night” discussion. We were playing a game where we gave the bride advice. I told her if they are both too exhausted, there is no need to force sex. The first time you have sex as a married couple, you want it to be amazing. Every uber-religious prude gasped and said things to the effect of, “Oh, you must have sex on your wedding night…. I cannot believe you didn’t have sex on your wedding night” (as if any of them were pure maidens on their wedding night waiting to have sex for the first time (many of them got married b/c they were pregnant…HELLO)). I said, “well, we were really tired, we had a wonderfully relaxing night. He pulled all the hairpins out of my hair, helped me out of my dress, and we sat on the porch overlooking the water, held hands, talked and just enjoyed being together. We had crazy sex the next morning, all day, and then fucked like rabbits the next night and even used our weekend S&M which was super fun, so we made up for it.” They all just looked at me like I had two heads. Prudes!
Other than the uber-religiousness of this weekend, it was really great. I had a much needed good time and got to visit a city that I never really thought I would miss. I went by the campus where I used to work and wow that had a profound impact on me. Didn’t anticipate that. It was where I met C. We would meet and walk to coffee. The experience actually makes me never want to come back to campus. I’m like that. When I need to purge things, I really purge them. Unfortunately that includes two paintings of his that I have. I’ve been trying to figure out if I send them back or donate them to an art gallery. I’m not sure yet, but I cannot keep them. They are wonderful, so I’m thinking of donating them rather than sending them back. They should be shared. One of which is really one of my favorite pieces by him.
He has so much baggage and I’m really only just making his life more complex. I think if he chooses to work on his marriage, great for him and if he chooses something else, great. I support whatever decision he makes, I just cannot be part of the process. I’m done.
In regard to J, I’m hopeful overall but in no way fooling myself. Since he’s been gone I feel so much stronger. I have more self-confidence and I really don’t want to lose that. In general I’ve been lucky and vigilant in terms of my physical appearance. I’m usually told that I look like Michelle Pfipher or Cameron Diaz, I’m 5’10”, about 140, a runner and I naturally eat well (crave veggies, fruit and lean meat). And I do eat pizza, fast food, and candy, but I tend to do that in moderation. But I have insecurities that seem to have gotten exacerbated because of my relationship with J. My physical appearance is one thing that I have control over even if I don’t have control over what is going on in my relationships.
Just recently I ordered a new bathing suit. Since I told J that I wanted a divorce, I went ahead and smoked for about 2 months and ate only fast food b/c I was losing weight and because I didn’t feel like eating anything other than McDonald’s. So, I gained a little weight. I have a “pudge” (the poof on your stomach) and cellulite which I would normally be so self-conscious about. But when I got my new suit, I tried it on and actually liked my little pudge and my cellulite. I felt like I looked like a woman! It was the first time I really didn’t feel ashamed by a little extra. I haven’t ever felt that way. J doesn’t normally tell me that I look good or that I’m beautiful just the way you are unless I basically tell him I want him to tell me that.
I was telling my girlfriend S about this new self-confidence and she said something to the effect of, “it is worse when you have someone who isn’t reassuring you that your body is fine than not having someone to tell you those things in the first place.” I think this is true and what I was experiencing. I wanted reassurance that I was desirable and the fact that I never heard it unless prompted and the fact that he never seemed to want to have sex with me really damaged my self-confidence and my perception of myself. Now, I feel more confident than I ever have in my life. Strange?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I need in my life and while I don’t have a complete understanding of that yet, I have a pretty good start. I’m looking forward to seeing him. We are going to meet in Vienna for a week and then when we get back we are going to really work on things. I don’t think I will truly have the best understanding of the possibilities we have until we are together, but I am so grateful that I have this time to myself. I have needed it so much and I don’t think I could have done so much work on myself without it. It is too easy for me to submit to him. It is simply how our relationship has developed.
I only have 20 min left to write, boo. I accidentally grabbed the wrong power supply and my little computer is on its last leg. Cannot charge it till I get home.
Just got off the phone with J. It was a good talk. He’s really enjoying England. For those who aren’t aware, J is an engineer. As part of his training he is overseas at two of their international facilities and won’t be home until mid-May (we will meet in Austria for a week before he comes back). So, since February he has been out of the country and I have had this time to work on myself alone and with my therapist AND with my therapy group. Yes, I’m in group therapy. I’m okay with it, although I think it a little interesting that I landed in group and individual therapy. But after what happened in January, I’m okay with doing whatever I need to do to get better…which actually includes letting C go completely.
I relish this time alone. It has been such good timing for J to be away for 5 months (he was out of state starting in January) and for me to have so much time alone….to re-learn who I am and what I need out of life. It can get so confusing in a relationship. You have a tendency to lose yourself just a bit and, in my case at least, forget to have boundaries and to remain true to yourself. This is such an important thing to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship or not.
As I told S today, I am hopeful for the future. I’m really in a good place and feel that this has only been a good experience for me (regardless of how difficult it is at times). I think this will be good for my relationships with others, particularly romantic ones. S asked me if I think that J will think of it this way. I told her that there is nothing I can do for him. He has to make the decisions for his life and if he is willing to make the changes and can make them to the point that I am satisfied, then he won’t lose me. If he cannot accept my new boundaries and self-confidence, I cannot make him and will move on. He has expectations and so do I. I really do hope that we can make them meld. I want to have children with him, but have no problem with the idea of having children without a man. I am, for the first time in a very long time, extremely happy with who I am trying to be and learning to accept who I am, what I need and being willing to stand up for myself has been the key.