Ready… Set… GO!

So, J comes back this weekend.  I have been really anxious about it for the last few weeks, but I feel that I’ve come a long way and that I have some really great support from my friends and group.  I don’t feel like I’m as anxious about it as I’ve been in the past.  In a way I’m looking forward to being able to come to some resolution about the situation.

J is an engineer in the oil industry.  One of the things that we talked about when we first moved here is that he may have the opportunity to work expat.  I remember in early 2011 we were having this conversation.  He really wants to have children and so do I.  But I told him that we would have to wait until after he did the expat before we had kids because I didn’t want to be pregnant or have children alone.  I think I came off pretty firm about this.  His reaction was that I was basically not being very reasonable, that the money was really good (which it is), that it isn’t a big deal to be pregnant and by yourself.  (Much of this conveyed through patronizing remarks, tone, and boy language).  Prior to leaving for his most recent time overseas, before I told him I wanted a divorce, his “plans” included the option of me getting pregnant before he left (i.e. the first trimester alone).  I told him that was not going to happen.

Recently he brought up the fact that he has the opportunity to go expat starting in November.  Another element of this story is that his best friend, who he works with and has been in Europe with for the last three months, is going to go… although that “isn’t a factor”.  He told me on Monday that he thinks he needs to tell them ASAP if he is going to do this so that he doesn’t lose the opportunity.  I told him that considering all that has happened in the last few months, I cannot tell him “yes, go do this”, but if he needs to tell them yes and then back out later, that is his call.

First of all, given the state of our relationship, I find it almost comical that he thinks this is a good idea to even bring up.  Secondly, he’s still in the mindset that he wants kids ASAP, but doesn’t seem to really see the issue I have with being a single mother.  Why be married anyway?  I can get a sperm donor if I want one?  And why did I move here when I could be living where I want since he’s not going to be here anyway?  I guess I feel like I gave up so much to come here and I really didn’t need to.  Although, that isn’t to say that I’m not totally happy in this city and with my job, but you get the point.

So, I have a feeling we will have a lot of “Come to Jesus” meetings when he gets back.  It should be interesting.  I am hopeful, though.  I’ve found a great deal of strength within myself and have a better understanding of what my non-negotiables are in a relationship.

On a side note, I found out that one of my greatest mentors and friends had a heart attack yesterday.  He’s a marathoner, only 56, vegan and a very good friend.  He’s recovering in ICU.  But it reminds me that there is so little time and that we must do what we need to do because you never know if tomorrow will come.

Hope you are all having an inspired day!

~AA

Reality

J will be home in two weeks.  He’s been in Europe since early February.  I told him I wanted a divorce in December, but so much has happened since then that I sort of came to a place where I felt that perhaps we can get back on track.  But I just don’t know.  I’m so scared about him coming back and things just going back to the way they were and my life just going on with me in a supporting role, not as my own leading lady.  I hate this.

People keep asking me if I miss him and if I’m excited that he’s coming back.  This is one of the hardest things to answer…because in all honesty, I’m nervous about him coming back, I’m nervous that I may have shut off so much that there isn’t a way to “get us back on track”, I don’t “miss” him in the sense that I feel like my life is missing something without him.  In fact, I feel more like myself now that he has been gone than I have in years.  I don’t feel self-conscious.  I’m not lonely.  I don’t feel inadequate.  I feel like me and like I don’t have to be ashamed of my desires, my demons, my needs.

What does that mean?  Does it mean anything?

I’m trying to stay open to this entire thing that is about to happen when he gets back.  There is a part of me that feels like I really need to make the effort, but I also feel like I’ve made a significant effort in the past that didn’t work.  Is it really necessary for me to give it another go?  But I guess he really needed to hear that I was willing to leave him because of how unhappy I was.  So, perhaps he needed that reality check before any progress could really be made.   I just hope that I can be open minded.  If I have the divorce papers in front of me, I will want to have that piece of mind that I did do my best, even if I may have already shut down more than I realize.

I guess it all really doesn’t matter in the end… this contemplation.  It will come, it will happen and it will have a result that no amount of pondering will provide until it happens.

~AA

Contemplation

How do you know you are doing the right thing?  What is the “right” thing?  What does that even mean.  Lately I’ve been experiencing a lot of guilt over the person I’ve become.  I’ve tried to push it down… to ignore it, but it doesn’t seem to be going away so it is time to admit that I don’t really feel like I’m a good human being.  I am deceitful and I don’t want to be any longer.  I want to be a better person, but I keep falling back into the same things.  My biggest weakness comes from my issues with relationships.  I’m tired of metaphorically looking over my shoulder.  Of living in fear of being found out.  It is time for me to make a mends.  To make a commitment to myself to let go.

GRRR….

Wish I could talk to C.  All this stuff with my mom sucks, but I will be okay.  I just wish this would stop happening to her.  I’m glad that I am going home.  My dad sounds really freaked out.  He’s pretending to be okay, but I know he isn’t.  I think it will be good for both of them if I am there.

C and I have really sucked at not communicating.  We’ve emailed a few times.  I think we are both just so used to that support and connection that we cannot help it to some extent.  I had him send me the final version of the novel he wrote for me.  I’m going to edit it.  I want to read and edit it.  It makes me feel close to him even though I cannot talk to him like I used to.

He’s been going to therapy as well. He mentioned that he had a good session yesterday. I’m really happy to hear this.  I hope his therapist will be helpful.  Help him realize that he should not carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He’s a lot like me in this regard.  I naturally feel guilty about almost everything.  Even if there is a natural disaster, I’m not doing enough to help.  What’s that about!?

You know, being faced with mortality really makes you think about things differently.  It is so easy to put things off and to trick yourself into believing something isn’t really wrong when it is.  But when you face the possible loss of someone you love, it helps you realize what is important and makes me question why we waste so much time in unfulfilling relationships and jobs, waste time not loving one another, waste time not appreciating one another, waste time caring about relatively unimportant things. I don’t know why we do this.  Perhaps we are afraid of what might happen if we do what we really need to do.

Yesterday I met with my therapist as well.  We were talking about the issue I have of not having a voice in my marriage.  This came up because I told him that I felt like I had to ask permission from J to fly home for my mom.  How ridiculous is that!  But that is how much control I have given him.  This relationship dynamic we’ve developed happened because of both of us, not just him.  I want that to be clear.  I realize that I had a role to play in how we have developed over time.

So, my therapist asked me, “what is the worst thing that would happen if you weren’t the ‘perfect’ wife and said what you needed to say.”  I said that I was fearful that I wouldn’t meet the goal of being a good wife and that he might leave me.  But when faced with mortality, is that really the worst thing in the world?  Oh well, he left you.  There are a lot of people facing worse things than I.  I need to be thankful for the beauty in my life despite the complexity.  And that is how I think of C.  He was/is a beautiful part of my little complex life.  The worst thing that could have happened would have been not experiencing what we shared.

Life is to short.  I’d rather get hurt loving with everything I have than living safe and guarded.

~AA

My Many Sins

I saw a blog entitled “And I can’t say I’m sorry for my many sins”.  I love that.  I’m not going to apologize for my many sins.  We all have them.  If you don’t, you’re missing out on life.

There is a song by John Mayer that I keep coming back to and I’m happy that to this point, I’ve mostly lived my life this way.  Even more happy that I’ve done this with my parents.  I always tell them how much I love them.

I think it is so important to say what you need to say.  Thank you, C.

Here are the lyrics:

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put ’em in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to saaaay…

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead

If you could only
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to saaay…

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open… wide…

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say…

Booo

Well, I’ll be honest, this sucks. LOL.  I have no one to talk to so I think my blog will become even more and more robust with my random musings!  C and I would be on IM basically all day and would talk  about everything from hunting to projects that we are currently working on at work.  We would proof each other’s materials and whatnot in addition to being a much needed distraction from the monotony that can occur throughout the day.  We did this pretty consistently for about 3 years.  Now I have to “self-sooth”.  I don’t like self-soothing.  haha.

We used to play this game where I would give him 5 words and he would have to write a poem of a specific length for me.  I liked that game.  We played lots of games that we just invented for no apparent reason.  Here is one of the poems I got:

Those gods that dance
pagan and primal above the lilac hues of sunset,
hazed in heady nebula,
(constellations with their Pandora’s box of pleasures offered for unwrapping)
liminal now, a frozen panorama of Greek tragedies nearly forgotten,
cannot eclipse the Phoenix way in which
your smile becomes my sun rise.

What a gift he has.

But I’m choosing not to wallow.  I did that last night.  I can only think of the positive things that await both of us in our respective lives.  I hope he finds the happiness he deserves.  And perhaps a specific person in his life will actually see him for magnificent person he is and not as some individual incapable of making decisions for himself.  He is capable.  He is kind.  He is giving. He is loving.  He is inspiring.  And if she cannot see that, it is her loss.

Here’s the dirty truth.  She sent me an email.  I don’t really remember all of it b/c I deleted it after I scanned it.  I didn’t read it closely.  What I do remember is that she told me that I don’t really know him.  That she was his best friend, not me.  That they were completely happy before me and that she was unaware that anything was wrong.  That he has an inability to tell people what he really wants/needs and insinuated that the only reason he had anything to do with me was because he felt like that was what I wanted, not that he really meant it.  She proceeded to threaten (and said it wasn’t a threat, lol) to tell people in my life if I didn’t back off because he is unable to do it himself.  And I don’t need that shit.  The crazy shit.  She sent this to my work email.  No telling what else she would do.  This is the difference between men and women.  Men typically back the F off while women like to get revenge.

I really got the sense that she doesn’t respect him the way she should.  That he is somehow weak.  Yes, he’s made a mistake.  No, this isn’t ideal.  But he is a big boy.  He made the choice to engage with me just as much as I did with him.

The sad thing that I got from his last email was the he felt like he was being made to feel like a creep, scoundrel and loser.  I hate that most of all.  He isn’t.  He made a mistake, but he shouldn’t be vilified.  I hope he can be strong for himself and most of all I hope he can forgive himself.  I always wished he could see himself how I see him.

Now, I take a deep breath and move one step closer to peace.

~AA

End

The end sucks.  I got the last email from C today.  Saying goodbye.  God, I love him.  He makes me feel so fulfilled in ways that no other ever has or probably ever will.  I hate saying goodbye, but it is okay.  I really appreciate the email he sent me.  He apologized for everything that is going on in another email, but in this on he said, “Actually, fuck it.  I’m not going to apologize anymore…I don’t regret falling for you…I regret hurting you and putting drama in your life, but I will always be thankful that I had at least temporary access to a goddess like you. I am not sorry…I’m proud to have loved you.”  And I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I love this email and will keep it forever.  How many of you have been told that you are a goddess or a star walking on the Earth waiting for  your constellation?  I have.

It is so easy to judge relationships from the outside.  To say that this or that person is wrong and is a bad person, but it really is never that easy.  People may think that our relationship was just a fling, something superficial.  But it was far from it.  I’ve never opened myself so completely to another human being in my life.  Not even my therapist.  We’ve never slept together, we’ve never kissed, we’ve never held hands, we’ve never had any physical contact, but I would give everything for him and will love him forever.  I think the reason it became such a deep relationship was because we weren’t distracted by the physical.  We were talking about our dreams, fears, every day struggles and we created together.  Stories.  He finished an entire novel for me.  It is amazing.  How many people have a superficial fling that results in the writing of an entire novel?  And this is only one of many, many things he did for me.

I am so blessed to have experienced him.  And like I’ve always told him, I truly believe we will be together one day, even if only when we are both cats.

I’m going to eat some pizza and candy and continue crying for the night.  Thank goodness I don’t have to do anything tonight.  Crying is so cathartic.

~AA

FUCK

“Fuck”… how’s that for a title?  I have a sneaking suspicion this might get flagged for profanity or something.

This is why you don’t let people close to you! 🙂  Pain.  And the fear that people will use what they know about you against you.  I hate it.  It all makes me very angry right now.  I have no control and he knows so much.  Being done with this C business fucking sucks.  I really am oscillating back and forth right now between being okay and being really fucking irritated. And when he contacts me, it doesn’t help.  Like many women, I make things up in my mind about what is going on when I don’t know what is REALLY going on.  You don’t even want to know.  UGH.  Right now, anger is my friend.  Come on weekend!  Much needed drinking and dancing for this weekend.

I’m going for a big long run when I get home or I might explode!

Rear-view Mirror

Never look back.  Never believe what you see in your rear-view mirror, it isn’t the truth.  It is your nostalgic brain playing tricks on you.

Going back to L (a town) really made me realize that I could never live there again.  I’m so happy to be away from there.  There was some sort of romantic moment when I thought that I could, but being there changed all of that for me.  When I was there I guess I developed some type of armor.  I was able to “buff” all the constricting elements of this little town.  Too much religion, too much close-mindedness, too fake, not culturally diverse, very little quality art.  I miss my good friends, my job, the short commute and my old boss, but not much else.  I’m so happy to be gone.

It also really hit me in the face when I went through campus.  That was much more difficult than I anticipated… actually, I didn’t anticipate that at all! I just had this flood of memories from when I was there.  I mean, I worked there for 7 years, so it isn’t that surprising that I’d have at least some sort of reaction to seeing it.  This time, though, it was because it reminded me of C and the reality that it won’t work out.

Other stuff going on?  Well… my mom has to have a stent again.  The 5th one on top of a bypass that she had in October.  I’m so sick of this.  This has been going on for over a year now and it really freaks me out.  The thought of something happening to my mom is unbearable.  I love her so much.  She will have surgery on Thursday and hopefully only have to be in the hospital for one night.  I’m thinking of going to visit her two or three weeks after the surgery.  I hate to be there too soon because I don’t want her to push herself too much.  But I also want to see her.

 

Moving forward

What is it about airports?  Why don’t they all have free wireless?  Seems a little ridiculous to me.  So… it was a good weekend overall.  Fun wedding but a little too religious for my taste.  I’ve never fake-prayed so much as I have in the last two days.  At one point during the endless discussion among my fellow bride’s maids of raising “God-fearing boys”, I finally had to say, “I’m not religious, so I don’t really have much to say on this, which is why I’m not talking.”  Way to ostracize you super religious people!  Thanks!  And lest we forget, the bride was already pregnant…. so… how seriously are we really taking this religious thing to begin with?  Let’s be honest.

One of the funniest things was the “wedding night” discussion.  We were playing a game where we gave the bride advice.  I told her if they are both too exhausted, there is no need to force sex.  The first time you have sex as a married couple, you want it to be amazing.  Every uber-religious prude gasped and said things to the effect of, “Oh, you must have sex on your wedding night…. I cannot believe you didn’t have sex on your wedding night” (as if any of them were pure maidens on their wedding night waiting to have sex for the first time (many of them got married b/c they were pregnant…HELLO)).  I said, “well, we were really tired, we had a wonderfully relaxing night.  He pulled all the hairpins out of my hair, helped me out of my dress, and we sat on the porch overlooking the water, held hands, talked and just enjoyed being together.  We had crazy sex the next morning, all day, and then fucked like rabbits the next night and even used our weekend S&M which was super fun, so we made up for it.”  They all just looked at me like I had two heads.  Prudes!

Other than the uber-religiousness of this weekend, it was really great.  I had a much needed good time and got to visit a city that I never really thought I would miss.  I went by the campus where I used to work and wow that had a profound impact on me.  Didn’t anticipate that.  It was where I met C.  We would meet and walk to coffee.   The experience actually makes me never want to come back to campus.  I’m like that.  When I need to purge things, I really purge them.  Unfortunately that includes two paintings of his that I have.  I’ve been trying to figure out if I send them back or donate them to an art gallery.  I’m not sure yet, but I cannot keep them.  They are wonderful, so I’m thinking of donating them rather than sending them back.  They should be shared.  One of which is really one of my favorite pieces by him.

He has so much baggage and I’m really only just making his life more complex.  I think if he chooses to work on his marriage, great for him and if he chooses something else, great.  I support whatever decision he makes, I just cannot be part of the process.  I’m done.

In regard to J, I’m hopeful overall but in no way fooling myself.  Since he’s been gone I feel so much stronger.  I have more self-confidence and I really don’t want to lose that.  In general I’ve been lucky and vigilant in terms of my physical appearance.  I’m usually told that I look like Michelle Pfipher or Cameron Diaz, I’m 5’10”, about 140, a runner and I naturally eat well (crave veggies, fruit and lean meat).  And I do eat pizza, fast food, and candy, but I tend to do that in moderation.  But I have insecurities that seem to have gotten exacerbated because of my relationship with J.  My physical appearance is one thing that I have control over even if I don’t have control over what is going on in my relationships.

Just recently I ordered a new bathing suit.  Since I told J that I wanted a divorce, I went ahead and smoked for about 2 months and ate only fast food b/c I was losing weight and because I didn’t feel like eating anything other than McDonald’s.  So, I gained a little weight.  I have a “pudge” (the poof on your stomach) and cellulite which I would normally be so self-conscious about.  But when I got my new suit, I tried it on and actually liked my little pudge and my cellulite.  I felt like I looked like a woman!  It was the first time I really didn’t feel ashamed by a little extra.  I haven’t ever felt that way.  J doesn’t normally tell me that I look good or that I’m beautiful just the way you are unless I basically tell him I want him to tell me that.

I was telling my girlfriend S about this new self-confidence and she said something to the effect of, “it is worse when you have someone who isn’t reassuring you that your body is fine than not having someone to tell you those things in the first place.”  I think this is true and what I was experiencing.  I wanted reassurance that I was desirable and the fact that I never heard it unless prompted and the fact that he never seemed to want to have sex with me really damaged my self-confidence and my perception of myself.  Now, I feel more confident than I ever have in my life.  Strange?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I need in my life and while I don’t have a complete understanding of that yet, I have a pretty good start.  I’m looking forward to seeing him.  We are going to meet in Vienna for a week and then when we get back we are going to really work on things.  I don’t think I will truly have the best understanding of the possibilities we have until we are together, but I am so grateful that I have this time to myself.  I have needed it so much and I don’t think I could have done so much work on myself without it.  It is too easy for me to submit to him.  It is simply how our relationship has developed.

I only have 20 min left to write, boo.  I accidentally grabbed the wrong power supply and my little computer is on its last leg.  Cannot charge it till I get home.

Just got off the phone with J.  It was a good talk.  He’s really enjoying England.  For those who aren’t aware, J is an engineer.  As part of his training he is overseas at two of their international facilities and won’t be home until mid-May (we will meet in Austria for a week before he comes back).  So, since February he has been out of the country and I have had this time to work on myself alone and with my therapist AND with my therapy group.  Yes, I’m in group therapy.  I’m okay with it, although I think it a little interesting that I landed in group and individual therapy.  But after what happened in January, I’m okay with doing whatever I need to do to get better…which actually includes letting C go completely.

I relish this time alone.  It has been such good timing for J to be away for 5 months (he was out of state starting in January) and for me to have so much time alone….to re-learn who I am and what I need out of life.  It can get so confusing in a relationship.  You have a tendency to lose yourself just a bit and, in my case at least, forget to have boundaries and to remain true to yourself.  This is such an important thing to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship or not.

As I told S today, I am hopeful for the future.  I’m really in a good place and feel that this has only been a good experience for me (regardless of how difficult it is at times).  I think this will be good for my relationships with others, particularly romantic ones.  S asked me if I think that J will think of it this way.  I told her that there is nothing I can do for him.  He has to make the decisions for his life and if he is willing to make the changes and can make them to the point that I am satisfied, then he won’t lose me.  If he cannot accept my new boundaries and self-confidence, I cannot make him and will move on.  He has expectations and so do I.  I really do hope that we can make them meld.  I want to have children with him, but have no problem with the idea of having children without a man.  I am, for the first time in a very long time, extremely happy with who I am trying to be and learning to accept who I am, what I need and being willing to stand up for myself has been the key.