Lights…

I’m totally digging this song right now. I’m fascinated with her vocal style and just like the dance feel.  AND I’m totally into the 80’s feel of the music video.  Enjoy!

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My Many Sins

I saw a blog entitled “And I can’t say I’m sorry for my many sins”.  I love that.  I’m not going to apologize for my many sins.  We all have them.  If you don’t, you’re missing out on life.

There is a song by John Mayer that I keep coming back to and I’m happy that to this point, I’ve mostly lived my life this way.  Even more happy that I’ve done this with my parents.  I always tell them how much I love them.

I think it is so important to say what you need to say.  Thank you, C.

Here are the lyrics:

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put ’em in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to saaaay…

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead

If you could only
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to saaay…

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open… wide…

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say…

Freedom

I am releasing any feelings that I have for C.  I want no more to do with him or his personal issues.  I’m so done and the strange thing is that I actually feel okay with this.  Like I tend to say to so many others, he needs to get his shit together.  And so do I.  I have known for some time now that I need to purge him from my life and move on.  If things work out with J, great.  If not, that’s okay as well.  I will be fulfilled in my life and he will not give that to me (definitely not C and possibly not J, although I’m more optimistic about J now that it is really over this time).

Goodbye, C.  The moment I heard this song, I knew it would come to this:

This is what I wrote this morning:

UGH…. I find it infuriating that the airport has no internet access!  WTF.  So I have resorted to writing in Word…. Creating something that I may or may not save and/ or forward on.  Such is life.  I’d rather be writing on my blog.  I find that the more unstable I feel, the greater my need to write.  Why the unstable-ness?  Well, quite honestly, I am afraid of an unbalance that I fear in my relationship with C.  That I may be getting to the point where I like him more than he likes or needs me.  Perhaps that is a better word…. Need.  I’m afraid of needing someone more than they need me. I really am.  On so many levels.   Feeling like you need someone and they don’t need you as much is a really scary thought.  I heard a quote the other night… something to the effect of “love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to.”  I think this is a profound statement.  Love is giving someone the power to destroy you.  What does that mean?  I think that means that you give them so much access to you, you allow yourself to become so vulnerable and open to them that you are, in many ways, dependent upon them… but not in a symbiotic way.  You are acknowledging that you have a need for them.  Can that need be met by others?  Can that need be met by yourself?  I have no idea.

I’m also trying to figure out how important sex is in a marriage… what can I live without and what can’t I live without.  Yesterday B and I went to dinner.  We were talking about this.  She doesn’t think that I’m being unreasonable for putting importance on sex.  And the fact that J and I have sex like 10-15 times a year is a bit ridiculous.  I’m 32.  I’m good looking.  I’m smart.  And I really desire to have a sexual relationship, not just a friendship with my spouse/partner.

Is part of our “point” in life to learn to do without that which we desire to have?  I don’t think the point of life is only to indulge, I really don’t.  But I need to have a better understanding of whether or not my expectations are “reasonable” and what my “nonnegotiable” things are.  And quite honestly, my drive for sex is increasing as I get older and he is getting older and I’m sure it is decreasing… well I kind of know it is decreasing for him.

The thing about the nonnegotiable elements for me is also developing an understanding of what, absent external influence, are my nonnegotiable elements in a marriage/partnership?  What I mean by that is there are so many external expectations that I’m hyper-aware of and I am trying to balance that against my needs.  I know/think that my parents don’t understand that sex is a big issue.  They are from such a different generation that it is pointless to try to get their approval.  But why do I feel the need to get their approval after all this time?  I’m 32!  But what they think about me and my decisions is still really important to me.

In all honesty, if I weren’t so concerned with my parents’ judgments of me, I would be in a completely different place.  I never would have pursued music in college.  I would have gone to nursing school and I would be a nurse practitioner.  I love playing, but they loved the fact that I played more.  I was good, but not the best.  I never had a desire to make a career out of playing.  But I ended up spending my entire college career studying something that I loved, but that I did more for them than for me.  There’s an admission for you.  People always ask me about playing.  And I do love it, but I really never wanted it to be what I “did”.  I actually enjoy things like writing so much more!  AWESOME, right?

Oh well… time to board.  Perhaps I’ll figure something out between now and then.  Otherwise, I’m just going to have a good time at this wedding and forget everything else (yeah, right!).

Broken

I feel like there are so many parts of me that are broken and that, perhaps, they may never heal.  I am hopeful that they will.  That I will be stronger from all of  this.  This is more difficult than I ever thought imaginable.  I could not imagine doing this if there were children in the picture.  I feel like I’ve made so many mistakes, but that is part of life, right?  Mistakes are part of what makes life worth living.  They teach us things.  They force us to expand our hearts, to expand our ability to forgive.  Probably the most difficult thing is to forgive ourselves for our imperfections.  I have so much compassion for others, but the person I have the most difficult time forgiving is myself.  Why is that?

There are so many conflicting emotions.  I’m longing, alone, hopeful, strong, wishing to hold onto the past, wishing to move forward.  I went to my counselor today.  It was helpful.  I so needed to speak to someone.  To help me continue to move forward when all I want to do is give up.

Thank God for music.  It so resonates with me.  It helps me process the emotions that I cannot vocalize or put into writing.  Right now the song that is really sticking with me is Demi Lovato’s Skyscraper.  Some may think it too “pop”, but she’s been through so much and completely gets the underlying point of the song.  I love it.  It inspires me.  Gives me hope.  I feel like a Phoenix, but my ashes are still burning.  I haven’t risen yet.

Relationships

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage/partnerships.  A friend asked me on Tuesday what the purpose of my marriage was.  I told him I didn’t know.  For him, he said, it was the chase.  The endless chase of his wife.  He told me that he was a romantic, but that she wasn’t and that he just had to change… be less romantic.  This posed a quandary for me.  How come only one party in the relationship is responsible for changing to meet the needs of the other?  It seems like a punishment for being self aware enough to take note of the different needs between you and your partner.  Perhaps my expectations are set to high.  Perhaps it is just my personality type: INFJ.

I epitomize the INFJ.  There is nothing in the descriptions that is not spot-on.  I enjoy showing love and want affirmation from my partner.  I am not getting that right now and I haven’t for some time.  It is difficult to think about these things objectively when I first get home.  I walk in and it seems like everything is as it should be… that perhaps I’m making too much of something.  Here’s this great person with hopes and dreams, what would make me believe that it is time to end our relationship?  But, intuitively, I know.

Today I thought about what I would say to the inevitable question from a counselor about “do you want to save your marriage?”  Conceptually, yes.  Realistically, no.  What, exactly, is the point of merely trying to create a bearable situation?  We have no children.  We don’t own a home.  But we’ve been talking about doing these things.  Is it enough to create a manageable situation simply to have a child and a home?  I just don’t think so.  What do you think?

For all of you dealing with pain, loss, sadness, change, redemption… here’s a lovely video for you.  Find those who will stand by you.  And if you have no one, I’ll be happy to.  Have an inspired day!

AA

Possibilities

Tonight I went to an orchestra concert to hear one of my all time favorite pieces conducted by one of my favorite conductors.  There is one movement within Mahler’s 5th Symphony that is particularly moving for me, the adagietto.  Is reverently sensual and pierces my heart every time I hear it.  It was a lovely concert, but I couldn’t help but think about C the entire time.  And, quite honestly, I don’t think I enjoyed this experience as much as I had hoped I would b/c I was sad.  It was still an amazing experience, though.

Here is a question to consider… when something wonderful or horrible happens in your life, who do you want to tell first?  Is it your spouse?  Your mom?  Dad? For me, the person that I want to share my experiences with is C b/c I believe that he is genuinely interested in what I have to say.  I want to gush over the music that I just heard and the experience of seeing my favorite conductor conducting one of my favorite pieces.  My problem is that my gushing falls on deaf ears without him, which isn’t a terribly fun experience.

Possibilities… what are my possibilities then?  Is it possible for my marriage to turn into something that will fulfill me in ways that I need to be fulfilled?  I don’t know. I struggle with this a great deal.  Right now I know that C is working on his marriage and I respect that; hence the silent coms.  I do hope he is able to come to a resolution that is right for him.  It is more important that he be at peace with his decisions than it is to give in to my selfish desires.  And I know that in the long run, I’ll be fine.  I always am.

Enjoy Mahler’s 5th, 4th movement adagietto.  Be inspired.

Music

As relationships have them, we had a few songs that were “ours”, for lack of a better word.  This one epitomized him, “This is how I show my love; made it in my head”.  He did.  C showed how much he loved me through his art.  It was pretty cool.

But he did more than that.  More than anyone has ever done for me.  He simply accepted me for me and told me as such.  Nothing more.  He didn’t hold things against me.  Perhaps he would have if we had been in a relationship long term, but I suspect not.  He is a very caring, compassionate and beautiful man who was always there for me.

 

Life Without You

Eventually, I’ll get around to telling you the background.  But for now, I’m here.  Stepping off the bus.  Learning how to Live my life without him.  My heart breaks, but my soul is stronger than ever before and that is really all I can hope for, isn’t it?

Welcome, friends.  Share your thoughts, but please do not pass judgement on one another.

AA