Readjusting

I picked J up on Saturday.  It was good to see him, a little anxiety provoking, but good nonetheless.  Over the weekend, I just tried to keep things very neutral.  He’s got some severe jet lag and it is apparent that we are on two very different planes of communication.  I think this is due in large part to the fact that I have been in individual and group therapy.  So, I didn’t really think it would be productive to delve into relationship issues right away.

To the communication/perception issues, we’ve been having this discussion about him possibly working internationally since we first found it was a possibility in January of last year.  Even then I told him I thought it was a bad idea for a number of reasons, one of the main being that he wanted to start a family but would be gone for a month and back for two weeks.  I told him that wasn’t going to happen and told him why.  He wanted me to consider it.  Now, he has the opportunity to do a rotation in Nigeria.  I know he wants to do it, but I feel that it is a bit unrealistic given the current state of our relationship and the fact that he STILL wants to have kids.

I have worked in higher education for a number of years and prior to coming here, I had to give up an amazing job so that J could take a job with the company that he wanted to work for.  I told him that my former boss called me about a job (not the first time he’s called me) and that we had an interesting conversation that ended in my former boss telling me that he would want me to come work has his Chief of Staff with a tenure-track faculty appointment if/when he gets a presidential appointment (which he will in about a year or two).  Basically all could ever want professionally.  We were talking about this over breakfast on Sunday.  The short of it is that J told me that he doesn’t want to change industries and that he doesn’t want to leave his current job for the next 5 years; basically saying that he isn’t supportive of this opportunity.  He’s supportive if it means he doesn’t have to sacrifice, but if he does, he’s not supportive, you know?  I reminded him of everything I gave up (two orchestra job offers so he could stay in school and didn’t have to transfer and most recently, a job that I loved so that he could take a job he wanted).

I think this just goes to show that we are not thinking on the same plane.  He’s got a lot of work to do in terms of understanding my needs.  I didn’t go to school for 11 years, get a Ph.D. and work my ass off to become a broodmare for someone who thinks it is completely acceptable to leave me for a year/year .5  (one month off, two weeks back) while pregnant or with an infant.  So, we’ve a lot of work to do.  lol.

I’m meeting with my therapist today and am looking forward to it.  J is supposed to meet with him before we meet as a couple, but J doesn’t really like the idea.  I get the impression that he still doesn’t understand that there are some really big issues that need to be addressed.  In his mind, he’d rather just sweep the last few months under the rug and more forward without finding the right way to move forward.

I’m really trying to be open to this and to him so that I can make the best decisions moving forward.  I want to give him the “handicap” since he’s basically just been working and living it up in Europe.  We’ll see.  I’ll keep you posted about how he takes to reality.

~AA

 

Precipice

When we are on the precipice of we know not what, that is the moment of true self discovery.  I am on the precipice of a life changing event.  The moment I utter those word, “I want a divorce”.  My life will forever be changed.  That day will be tomorrow.  I look forward to it in the sense that it must be done, but I dread it in the sense that my life will forever be altered and once I say those words, there is no going back.

To become an “ex-wife”, to no longer have a husband, to begin the “great divide” is truly daunting.  I’m desperately trying to remain positive.  To remain focused.  To remain clear.  But it is hard.  I don’t recommend waiting once you’ve made your decision.  In fact, I’m tempted to just blurt it out the moment I get home, but I don’t think I will.

I have moments where I feel that maybe I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.  Maybe the problem is me and maybe I should just stay.  But I truly believe that will only lead to prolonging the inevitable and the possibility of having a child involved.

I am doing the right thing.  Taking a moment to read back these 50+ posts and I know that I am doing the right thing.  Fear is just an emotion.  The only way to defeat it is to not give in to is quick tongue and trickster manipulation.

The irony?  Amidst this anxiety, there is a longing to live again.  To be who I once was.  So full of life and opportunity and happiness and passion.

~AA