Self Care

It appears that my greatest struggle right now is proper self care.  I’ve been good about letting myself cry, taking soothing showers and writing to help me process, but I have such a difficult time dealing with eating and making sure that I take time to do it.  It is such a low priority for me right now.  I finally broke down and made myself get some Lean Cuisine’s from Target.  It isn’t ideal, but at least it isn’t McDonald’s (which is all I do care to eat right now).

This afternoon I had a little breakdown.  I was listening to music and one of them just really got to me.  I did something that I haven’t done in years, I went to a church.  I just felt that I needed some support and I don’t want to burden others with my issues.  It was actually nice.  I’m no longer a very religious person, but I grew up Catholic.  I found the closest Catholic church (via Garmin) and went.  It was kind of nice.  I walked in, it was dark with the exception of the alter.  No one was there.  I went to the front, knelt in a pew, looked at the cross and just broke down.  It wasn’t pretty, let me tell you.  Lots of sniffling, crying, sobbing and praying.  I haven’t prayed like that in years.  Repeating the Lord’s prayer and Hail Mary over and over while I just cried.  Not feeling like I even deserved any possible redemption.

The pain can be very unbearable.  Mostly, though, I think the pain comes from the process of letting him go and the guilt that I feel.  Lots and lots of pain.  I keep looking for messages from friends, but I know it is Christmas and everyone has their own thing to deal with.  I did get some this morning, but the day has been very lonely.  This is my pain, my issue and I will get through this.  I am stronger than I know.  It will get better.  I know.  And I have faith that it will.

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