So, J comes back this weekend. I have been really anxious about it for the last few weeks, but I feel that I’ve come a long way and that I have some really great support from my friends and group. I don’t feel like I’m as anxious about it as I’ve been in the past. In a way I’m looking forward to being able to come to some resolution about the situation.
J is an engineer in the oil industry. One of the things that we talked about when we first moved here is that he may have the opportunity to work expat. I remember in early 2011 we were having this conversation. He really wants to have children and so do I. But I told him that we would have to wait until after he did the expat before we had kids because I didn’t want to be pregnant or have children alone. I think I came off pretty firm about this. His reaction was that I was basically not being very reasonable, that the money was really good (which it is), that it isn’t a big deal to be pregnant and by yourself. (Much of this conveyed through patronizing remarks, tone, and boy language). Prior to leaving for his most recent time overseas, before I told him I wanted a divorce, his “plans” included the option of me getting pregnant before he left (i.e. the first trimester alone). I told him that was not going to happen.
Recently he brought up the fact that he has the opportunity to go expat starting in November. Another element of this story is that his best friend, who he works with and has been in Europe with for the last three months, is going to go… although that “isn’t a factor”. He told me on Monday that he thinks he needs to tell them ASAP if he is going to do this so that he doesn’t lose the opportunity. I told him that considering all that has happened in the last few months, I cannot tell him “yes, go do this”, but if he needs to tell them yes and then back out later, that is his call.
First of all, given the state of our relationship, I find it almost comical that he thinks this is a good idea to even bring up. Secondly, he’s still in the mindset that he wants kids ASAP, but doesn’t seem to really see the issue I have with being a single mother. Why be married anyway? I can get a sperm donor if I want one? And why did I move here when I could be living where I want since he’s not going to be here anyway? I guess I feel like I gave up so much to come here and I really didn’t need to. Although, that isn’t to say that I’m not totally happy in this city and with my job, but you get the point.
So, I have a feeling we will have a lot of “Come to Jesus” meetings when he gets back. It should be interesting. I am hopeful, though. I’ve found a great deal of strength within myself and have a better understanding of what my non-negotiables are in a relationship.
On a side note, I found out that one of my greatest mentors and friends had a heart attack yesterday. He’s a marathoner, only 56, vegan and a very good friend. He’s recovering in ICU. But it reminds me that there is so little time and that we must do what we need to do because you never know if tomorrow will come.
Hope you are all having an inspired day!